Being mindful of race naturally frees up more inner space for us to feel and be full of life yet feeling spacious can be frightening. We can be intolerant of experiences of freedom. To counterbalance these frightening feelings of unknowingness, we can incorporate into our lives practices that bring us predictable joy—experiences that make our entire being soften and at the same time remind us of our connection to something larger than our physical selves.
The following Predictable Joys are an excerpt from my book Healing Rage, and are especially comforting to experiences pf racial shame, guilt, and outrage. Predictable Joys cost very little beyond a caring pause of awareness. The joys proposed here are readily accessed and invite us into presence.
Our experiences of joy are distinct, and they change. But for now, your task is to partake in as many of the following joys as you heart can stand—for the rest of your life—and to be on the lookout for even more of them.
THE JOY OF LAUGHTER
Laughter is the best medicine of all time and provides immediate joy. Research shows that laughter decreases stress hormones, relaxes muscles, enhances our immune system, reduces pain, provides cardiac conditioning, improves our respiratory system, and decreases hypertension. But these reasons are not nearly as pleasurable as the simple and pure joy of laughing.
Make it your priority to find something to laugh about each day. A word of caution—avoid participating in humor at other people’s expense. This type of hurtful behavior will erode your own self-esteem and healing. Instead, read cartoons, rent a video, or notice the humor in ordinary life. You may have a friend or relative who is naturally humorous—spend time with them. Journal hilarious stories and insights each day and refer to them often. Laughter frees up inner space and supports the union of body and mind.
THE JOY OF MUSIC
Music travels by air and permeates our senses, creating inner vibrations that regulate our mood. Music affects the release of powerful brain chemicals that influence the rhythm of our breathing, our heartbeat, and our blood pressure. Because music holds such power, we can make use of music as a joy we can count on.
Listening to soothing music can calm even the most troubled minds. It reduces aggression, lifts depression, and improves the quality of rest and sleep. On the other hand, listening to belligerent and violent music may be exciting but may also contribute to hostile, agitated, and harmful states of mind.
Select your favorite sounds and fit them into categories such as: Joy, Bliss, Relaxation, Courage, Beauty, Mastery, Sweetness, Love, etc. When you need to alter your mood, chose from your desired categories. Find a private space to relax and enjoy the sounds. Consider listening as a meditation. Begin with settling your breath in your body. You might identify a particular instrument or sound and follow its journey throughout the song. You may even imagine yourself being that sound, allowing its vibration to move you or express itself through your voice. Notice what thoughts and feelings arise and ride them. Allow music to take you on a pleasure ride. Kick back and surrender to its predictable joy.
THE JOY OF DANCE
For many of us, it is impossible to feel bad when we are dancing. When we dance, our body and mind work together, and we become balanced and harmonious. Ok, this is true for many but not all of us, so you can enjoy even this! Dance provides exercise, improves mobility and muscle coordination, and reduces tension. Dance, especially spontaneous and free movements, improves self-awareness and self-confidence, and is an outlet for creative expression and physical and emotional release.
Choose a dance expression that is natural and enjoyable—both are key. Linda, a 36-year-old woman putting down her Defiance disguise, started a weekly salsa dance class at a local club. She chose this class because salsa was something she enjoyed so much that she would be sure to be consistent. It also offered a wild and joyful freedom that her rage child demanded.
Make a regular play date with your rage child and dance like nobody’s watching. Dance is a profoundly pleasurable and predictably joyous.
THE JOY OF HUGS
I get some criticism because I live in California, land of the touchy feelers. But my motto is: Hug more and talk less! For many of us, hugs bring instant and predictable joy! Some of us are afraid of physical contact, but a genuine hug—heart to heart—is a relatively safe form of physical contact, something that can help our bodies to heal. Hugs can break down barriers that words fail to penetrate.
I encourage you to whole-heartedly hug the people you care about when you greet them. Allow your hugs to last a minimum of five seconds! Remember to breathe and enjoy the pure and immediate joy that hugging can provide.
The JOY OF A CHILD
When those of us who are healing rage make ourselves available to children, we not only witness the subtle unfolding of a child’s life, but we also awaken to our own. The magical thing about being around a child, especially an infant, is discovering how natural it is to love and be loved. An infant is miraculously one with spirit. Her innocence is pure and her nature unspoiled. When an infant cries, her entire body is involved. Nothing is held back. The same is true when she smiles. Body and mind are one.
You may currently have a child in your life to whom you can open your heart a little wider. Or you may have a niece, nephew, or grandchild you can be close to and nurture. You may also visit an orphanage, homeless shelter, hospital, or know of a child in your neighborhood. This need not be a time-consuming endeavor but regular enough for you to become acquainted with the child and to enjoy and understand their wondrous ways.
Often our time with a child will help us fill in the blanks of our childhood. We may begin to remember the conditions that gave birth to our rage as well as recall more pleasurable memories. Waking up in this way is a wonderful way to reclaim our own light and innocence. The joy of a child is a gift to all, and an extra benefit to your own rage child, who will delight in interaction with a kindred soul closer to her own age.
Many of us have forgotten that children have wisdom to share. They are not simply here for us to care for. They bring answers to our deepest questions and medicine for our well-being and that of the world. When we invest in the well-being of a child, we discover how to love, how to forgive, and how to live in the moment. Of course, it is not always sugar and spice, but it is always real and, often, joyful.
THE JOY OF A TEENAGER
Teenagers know the truth about their bodies even in the midst of being programmed out of it. They are on fire, candid, often uninhibited, creative, and wise—things we are reclaiming within ourselves through our healing journey. What is often missing from a teenager’s life is respectful attention to their truth and inner freedom. Teenagers need to be around creative people, and around role models who practice what they preach.
It can be joyous to cultivate a relationship with a teenager and their family, and encourage an atmosphere of non-judgment, creativity, and service. Make an agreement with the family to be of service. Help with homework, reading, cultural experiences, or exposure to your line of work or special interest. Every teenager should be able to look back on their life and say: There was this person who loved me, and I could be myself with them. They saw my potential. They really tried to know me for who I truly was.
Many teenagers embody those qualities that we have lost and now seek to reclaim—audaciousness, naturalness, timelessness, innocence, and sensual freedom. Enjoy the charge of being around a teen and remember who you still are. When we take advantage of this predictable joy, we rediscover and advance those parts of ourselves that have always been free.
THE JOY OF AN ELDER
Many of us have difficult relationships with elders in our bloodline. We may have lost them too early, never knew them, or they may still be alive but there may be a painful estrangement due to regret or disappointment. We may even push them to the side or avoid them because we may not be able to tolerate their pain and suffering.
When we feel cut off from our elders, we miss out on the sacred wisdom of their lives and the human experience of aging, death and dying. Being able to be present with both the joy and complexity of our elders is part of becoming present with our full selves. Just as a child reminds us of our birth, youth and innocence, many elders embody grace and wisdom that can teach us how to navigate our lives. Unfortunately, many elders die alone, with their wisdom unexplored. Being unable or unwilling to draw upon their vast stores of wisdom is a profound disservice to our evolution and dwarfs our experiences of joy.
To experience this joy, identify an elder with whom you want to develop a deeper connection. Perhaps it’s your own parents, or an older person in a nursing home, a hospital, a neighbor, or a friend’s parent whom you admire. Commit to spending time with them. The Empathic Interview Questionnaire may be a helpful tool to apply. Be a good friend and a good listener. Attend to the elder’s wisdom fires and heal together. Edith, an inactive writer, writes:
I just got back from visiting my favorite aunt. It’s been over 8 years since I’ve seen her. She’s 79-years old and has chronic pulmonary obstructive disease. It was difficult to see her this way and at the same time it felt like a privilege. To my surprise I discovered that my aunt is a talented writer and poet and has never shared any of her work. She read several of her poems and somehow, they were just what I needed to hear. Knowing she is dying made our time precious. I could see how blessed I am to have time, choices, and energy to be creative. Her words were simple: “Don’t waste a minute!” I returned home ready to take my writing more seriously. My aunt helped me realize that I have a writing legacy. She was so happy I came. I’ve been beaming ever since.
While many of us may not have been able to receive such wisdom from our birth parents, there is no reason why we can’t obtain elder wisdom from someone else. Keep in mind that there should be mutual respect in your relationship with elders. You do not have to regress or become childlike in the face of elders. Bringing your full woman-self to the relationship is evidence of respect.
Sometimes, our wise elders will come looking for us to impart their wisdom and encourage our healing journey and their own. One such wise elder, age 82, attended a one-day Healing Rage workshop and captivated the hearts of over 60 women with piercing truth and love:
I come to you not out of pity, but from pride and pain. I've kept quiet too long about being raped, and seeing my daughters and granddaughters raped by men in our family. I've stood by and said nothing, did nothing and it happened to practically every girl child. I was so afraid. I just want you to know how sorry I am for being silent. Now that I'm old enough to be your grandmother, I'm sorry that my silence and the silence of people like me have caused you so much harm. And I'm sorry that I've shut down my heart to life for so many years. I've let you down as an elder, as a protector. I came to this workshop because it looked like a good place to heal. I ask for your forgiveness, and I want to state in public that I am working on forgiving myself. I think it is important that we tell the truth and free ourselves. I pray that we can all look truth dead in the eye and do what we need to do.
Healing, at its core, is about returning home. There is tremendous healing in returning to our elders and embracing their wisdom and learning how to live and how to die wisely.
THE JOY OF SACRED INTIMACY
While some of us are sexually active, the true joy of sacred intimacy is rooted in being sensuous and intimate with a lover, and especially ourselves. Our bodies come alive and naturally respond to contact, but many of us are afraid of our bodies. We may have been physically and sexually violated and have become confused about the sacredness of our bodies. Some of us have settled for sex or abstinence when intimacy—touch, presence, respect, and physical and emotional connection—is what we yearn for.
Your task is to embrace your sexual unions as sacred. Make it an intimate endeavor—every time! Lay with your lover heart to heart and breathe together. Tenderly examine each other’s faces with loving eyes. Avoid talking—it can be difficult in such moments to talk and feel at the same time. Holding and light caressing is healing, especially if its sole aim is not to become sexual but rather present. If you are by yourself, allow the same tenderness toward your own body that you would toward a lover’s. Be fully present, tender, and available without fantasy or distraction. Rest and enjoy the oneness that you have created. Don’t be quick to fall asleep, take some time to rest in this healing pleasure. It is not necessary to be sexual to find joy in sacred intimacy. You need only to partake in this predictable joy as often and as thoughtfully as you can!
THE JOY OF ANIMALS & PETS
Animals are powerful spirits. Historically, many shamans, deities, and spiritual leaders are portrayed with animals as totems of guidance and protection. In ancient Egypt, the scarab, dog, cat and asp were a few of many sacred animals that were respected for their wise guidance. In Native American cultures, many animal spirits such as the eagle, snake, buffalo, and wolf, are considered medicine for the soul and are depicted in rituals for peace and healing. Most states in the United States and in other parts of the world use animal symbols to represent the spirit of the land on their flags. Like children, animals can teach us much about how to live, love, and forgive.
Consider bringing an animal spirit into your life for the pure joy of it. You can have a pet or visit one regularly in the neighborhood. I’m a dog lover. Brandy, my beloved German shepherd for 13-year, taught me many lessons about unconditional love. She would lie across my feet, panting and smiling as I rubbed her head and chin. Sometimes I would be in awe at the joy in her face as she looked at me. I would talk to her about life and love and would ask her questions like: How do you love no matter what? And she would respond by staying beside me and being love, teaching me that being is love! I witnessed her growth and death and she never stopped loving me, and I her. That was many years ago and I still experience much joy at the thought of her.
The spirit of an animal is where the joy lies. Look around and discover the animals in nature that surround you. Relax into the kinship that animals provide. You will find that your animal spirit has something in common with your rage child—it is your presence that matters most. The more capable you are of being love, the more capable you are of being loving. This is the predictable joy of loving animals and pets—being love and being loving.
THE JOY OF NATURE
The gifts of nature are infinite, varied, surprising, and generous. Many of us live our lives in human-made surroundings, preoccupied with human-made concerns. But our bodies, our senses, our spirits have a different home, one much older and wilder. Making time for a homecoming with the natural world can fill our nervous systems with relief and joy.
Nature is indiscriminately generous, and she performs miraculously to a revered audience. We need only be present to her predictable joys. Essentially, we want to embrace nature as an extension of ourselves and invite nature to help us make sense out of our lives. For example, when you question your worth and beauty, it is joyous to admire in intricate detail an unusual flower. See yourself in this flower. Imagine yourself becoming this flower—soft, unique, fragrant, original—the flower of your admiration.
If you feel ungrounded, take some time to be near a mature tree. Notice its full trunk and deep strong roots. Ask the tree any questions that come to mind, for example: How do you just stand there through all the seasons of life? Teach me how to survive without hiding. Teach me how to stand gracefully. Imagine yourself being like the tree—old, wise, solid and grounded, knowing you have a right to exist. Experience the physical power of this natural expression and listen for an answer to your questions. Imagine If I were a tree, how would I respond to my question?
If you feel lifeless and in need of energy to take care of yourself, you may find predictable joy falling asleep in the warm sun and soaking up its rays. If the warm sun is not available, let yourself imagine a radiant sun beaming down on your body, or a beautiful sunset, or a hearth fire. The predictable joy occurs when you allow in more light and become light itself.
If you are hurting because you have a relationship that you cannot mend, invite the earth to join you in transforming your pain. Plant a flower or tree in your yard as a dedication to the person you are unable to relate to. Attend to the flower or tree—love it and talk to it as if it were your loved one.
If you need to grieve but your tears won’t flow, take this need to a larger body of water—the ocean, a lake or river, and give it over. Your bathtub will also do. Ask the larger body of water to help you grieve. If you feel overwhelmed, caged, or frustrated, find your way to fresh air and open space.
I take a walk in a park near my home each morning on a long and spiraling path, seldom seeing anyone for miles. One morning, a woman was about a quarter of a mile ahead of me walking alone on the trail. Her pace was fast, and she was screaming and cursing at the top of her lungs. I dropped back further on the trail, not wanting to be noticed or to interrupt her expression. I mentally bowed to her rage release knowing she was freeing herself in that moment and that the earth and air could hold her.
Begin a practice of noticing the simple pleasures of nature and how it supports your existence and mirrors your larger essence. To take care of nature is to take care of our bodies and our lives. Whatever you need, you can find solace and joy in nature.
THE JOY OF ARTISTIC EXPRESSION
When the spider builds its web, it is a mirror image of itself—a beauty we are more likely to pause and admire even if we are afraid of spiders. We can admire the web because of its artistic and unique expression. We are awestruck and wonder: How is this possible? We are engaged with the art—the web, not the artist—the spider. Similarly, art provides a natural outlet for our rage child to be seen without being feared. Having an artistic expression is an amazing way to channel passion and clarify our deepest longings. Like the spider’s web, our artistic talents can reveal and affirm our existence and keep us safe and sane.
Our rage child is an artist, and her fierce spirit wants to express itself. Too many of us allow ourselves to lie dormant, rather than tapping our creative potential. Art is a resourceful and profoundly meaningful way to transform our rage disguises. Do you long to create a play? Write a poem? Sing jazz? Play the drums? Dance like a wildfire? These art forms, and many others like them, are prayers that allow everything we are on the inside to come out. Consider: What beauty have I always wanted to manifest?
Identify a creative project—something your heart would enjoy. Sit in your sacred space and ask your rage child to help you determine the most satisfying areas to creative expression. It can be a project just for you, or one to share with others. Be outrageous and don’t worry if it does not make sense. Begin with something simple and silly, not something you need to perfect. For instance, trace the outline of your hand then decorate it with colors or crafts. Then turn it in any number of directions to see what it reveals. Make up stories about what you see and write them in your rage journal. Just begin and be willing to laugh at yourself. Make room to display your creations just as you would hang the pictures of a preschooler who comes home eager to share his projects.
Teresa had forgotten how much she loved listening to music. She loved the old Motown sounds and would listen and sing any number of them for hours on end. She always felt lighter and open hearted when she sang. But it wasn’t until she began a playful relationship with her rage child that she began to write new lyrics to old Motown tunes, which provided her with much humor, joy and unique expression. Rochelle, raised as a child in an environment of emotional distant and austere furnishings, realized through her relationship with her rage child that her attraction to quilting was more than a casual hobby. It was her way to add comfort and texture to her life. This realization made her hobby all the more joyous.
Your disguises of rage may give you clues about your hidden talents. Melanie, healing from the disguise of Depression, used her dark times to write poems about depression, giving honor to every detail of her experience. She eventually published a book of poetry that helped others rest and love themselves in dark times. She turned her pain into art and gifted it to the world.
Pay attention to your body’s response to rage and explore its meaning through your creative endeavor. Esther, unmasking the disguise of Defiance, would impulsively slap her “hard-headed” children when she became angry. During a Stillness Practice, Esther recalled that as long as she could remember, she had wanted to grab something hard and change it. Esther found a sculpting class and enrolled. She enjoyed the act of carving and changing the stone, surprised to discover that it was the stone that was teaching her how it needed to be shaped, not the other way around. She translated this experience into her children seeking her attention to teach her something, a valuable lesson—that her so-called hard-headed children were actually trying to teach her something, and if she looked closely, she might discover a hidden treasure.
Our rage child is a fire spirit—a natural-born artist. Our challenge is to use the fire of rage to illuminate our most heart-felt longings. We naturally feel powerful when our rage becomes tangible and affirmed, even if only for our eyes.
Inescapably, we are both creator and that which is being created. When we partake in an artistic expression, we discover what we need to learn what we need to discover. Dedicate one evening each month to an artistic project and invite your rage child to participate! The only requirement is that you have fun! You will discover that allowing time for your artistic expression is a soulful and predictable joy!